


yesterday and tomorrow

by catastrophes



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Light Angst, M/M, canvas inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 11:11:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12210093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catastrophes/pseuds/catastrophes
Summary: hands are for holding, hearts are for keeping: short snapshots in a year of a relationshipaka 2hyun make me really sad and i try to find comfort in canvas





	yesterday and tomorrow

**Daybreak - July**

_The night sky where the stars are asleep / Moonlight / It’s disappearing like the wind_

 

Minhyun knows.

 

He is too perceptive not to. But today, again, he chooses to be selfish.

 

Minhyun pads quietly into the dorm having just returned back from the last minute recording. Looking at the glaring numbers of 5:16 am on his phone screen hurts his eyes. The consecutive hours of work infusing together has started to take its toll. His brain feels clouded over and he can barely think straight. All he wants to do is go directly to his bedroom, shed off his time worn clothes and sleep and sleep and sleep.

 

Instead, he finds himself drawn towards the first door on his left. Standing in front of it, Minhyun can hear nothing except the muted music filtering through the cracks of Dongho’s room slightly further down the corridor. White noise he said, since he doesn’t like to sleep in silence. Hesitating just for a fraction of a second, Minhyun swallows the lump lodged in his throat and the rock in his heart, and pushes the door open quietly.

 

The window across the room is slightly ajar, allowing the warm breeze to part the curtains gently. Minhyun notices the light beginning to trickle in, covering everything in a soft yellow haze.

 

The earth’s night is ending, but Minhyun’s is just beginning.

 

Jonghyun is sleeping curled up in a fetal position on the corner of the bed. Lightly snoring, he lies amidst a pile of manhwa books that sits scattered around his body with a small onibugi-shaped stuffed animal clasped loosely in his arm.

 

Minhyun’s throat tightens.

 

The stale air of dawn surrounding him is beginning to feel constricting and heavy.

 

Taking off his jacket, he places it neatly on the back of the chair before moving towards the bedside to clear the comics. Careful not to jostle Jonghyun awake, he slides into the empty space on the bed behind him, simultaneously wishing that he could fill the empty space of his heart as well. He stares first at Jonghyun’s back, then at the white canvas of the wall.

 

The first time it happened had been after they finished watching a movie in the early hours of the morning. I’m too tired to go back to my room, he had whined playfully. Stay then, Jonghyun had said back to him softly, smiling in the darkness. Minhyun didn’t even need to see it to feel it.

 

The second time had been after another long day of schedules. Mind still whirring loudly, he had crawled into Jonghyun’s bed, muttering, I can’t sleep. Jonghyun, barely half awake had nodded easily, and counted the sheep for him, raspy voice loud against Minhyun’s thumping ears. The numbers began to blend together following that.

 

It’s now become habitual for Minhyun to spend the occasional lonely night in Jonghyun’s bed, a warm body next to him, leaving hot trails of warmth through him. But why, why does he continue to still feel so ice cold?

 

Today was no different.

 

“I miss you,” Minhyun mumbles solemnly against Jonghyun’s shoulder as the first sun erases the last moon outside. It’s a whisper so quiet, he can barely hear it himself.

 

Minhyun wills himself to sleep, freefalls past the thin precipice. He dreams of the moon, and the sun. He especially dreams of Jonghyun who burns like the brightest night star, but Minhyun’s wishes continue to go unanswered as dawn breaks.

 

(I wish you missed me too.)

 

* * *

 

 

**Real love true love (One Morning) - October**

_On top of the hill on the cloud / Difficult emotions / A clear morning give me give me /  A pure heart_

 

“But why?” Minhyun’s question, accusatory and unwanted hangs like lead, like a bullet trapped halfway from its path in the air. The pair of them are stuck in an almost stand-off, in one of the hallways of the Pledis building.  

 

“Someone needs to.”

 

“No.” Eyes flashing, Minhyun refuses to accept Jonghyun’s resolute words, “We’ve already decided that we’re going with you. We’re doing this together.” He just recieves a sigh in return and Minhyun’s insides feel like a tornado swirl. The emotions in him threaten to rise like an upheaval.

 

He grimly forces it back down.

 

Jonghyun’s voice toes the line of demand and a desperate begging as he says thickly, “It’s my responsibility. Just let me go.” His words, his face. It’s almost as though he’s already accepted a fate, a fate that he doesn’t want but has been placed upon him regardless.

 

Self-sacrifice, his middle name.

 

Minhyun grips Jonghyun’s upper arm, fingers curling in tightly. He knows his fingernails are probably going to leave a deep crescent mark, an imprint on the delicate skin. He doesn’t care. He is scrambling to hold onto a life line, the waves threatening to consume him whole.

 

“I can’t—,” Minhyun hears his thin voice crack, broken like a fragile vase thrown away carelessly, “I can’t let you go alone. Not like this.”

 

Jonghyun’s eyes are imploring. “Just know, I didn’t mean for this to happen,” He responds slowly, almost apologetically. His hand has moved out of his own accord to fist tightly against Minhyun’s t-shirt. The surge of emotion is clearly displayed and his pupils are flickering wildly, beseeching for clemency.

 

Minhyun’s heart is slowly being folded into pieces. “You think it’s your fault?”

 

“Of course it’s my fault, I’m the leader!” Jonghyun’s anguished words spitting out of his mouth is at odds with the flat way his eyes dim, like a light switching off and Minhyun never wants to see it again. He continues in a hushed tone, words almost trailing off, “For us to be here, in this position at all...  I’ve failed you all.”

 

Hearing that sentence, the roaring in his ears grows louder as white edges his vision.

 

“Don’t you dare fucking say that,” Minhyun retorts back harshly, more anger than he’s ever felt in his life. Immediately, he tries to calm himself back down, breathing heavily through his nostrils. He doesn’t regret his words but the way Jonghyun looks so completely defeated standing in front of him breaks him.  

 

In the background he barely hears a thin voice calling their names. He wants to ignore it but the obligations and consequences weigh heavily against his shoulders. Minhyun quickly thumbs away the glisten of liquid pearling at the corner of Jonghyun’s eye, before adding, “Let’s talk about it later.” He inwardly cringes, his tone is still icy.

 

“Okay, let’s,” Jonghyun says hollowly now, no emotion in his words. Just numbness.

 

Why does Minhyun’s heart ache so much?

 

He walks away back to the meeting room full of shirts and pens. Faces that are a blur of people who don’t understand how they truly feel but are dictating their lives nonetheless. He’s signed his life away years ago, and now it’s time to pay up. Pride is one thing he had always told himself he would never compromise on, but today and forever, he’d willingly and consciously throw it away for one person.

 

If this is what it takes to hold onto the threads of their dreams, of Jonghyun’s dream, he’d do it, no questions asked. He just never thought it would hurt like this, a knife-like pain searing directly through him that doesn't seem to want to stop.

 

Minhyun resists the urge to turn around in fear of the sight that he’s afraid would fall before him, continuing to move mechanically down the hallway. If he looks back, Minhyun would see Jonghyun staring sadly back at him, alone with tears in his eyes, and nothing but broken promises scattered at his feet.

 

So he doesn’t.

 

(Don’t say goodbye, I couldn’t bear it.)

 

* * *

 

**Love Paint (Every Afternoon) - December**

_You shine so much that it makes me sad / A prism that has millions of colors / Like a shooting star / You and me_

 

People speak about love, and describe it like seeing color immediately for the first time.

 

But for Minhyun, it wasn’t like he suddenly fell in love and promptly saw brilliance. No, it came in gradually, washing over him slowly, like the tranquil foamy waves rolling onto the shore. First the creams, then the jade green, then it was every single shade of blue that kept bleeding into his vision until finally, Jonghyun was the only thing he could see.

 

The earth orbits the sun in 365 days.

 

One single revolution.

 

Every single day without fail, the sun slips into the sea. Every day, Minhyun closes his eyes and he still sees the strings of light, even in the darkest of times.

 

And for every night, even when he’s alone, he continues to be plagued by both sunsets and sunrises.

 

Minhyun dreams of Jonghyun. A momentary gold.

 

-

 

“You’re overcooking it.” It’s calm and there’s no bite, but the one sentence snaps Minhyun out of his reverie.

 

“I’m not,” Minhyun retorts back, a natural reflex.

 

Jonghyun just leans back from his seated position at the communal dining table. A slight curve of his lips. “Okay, I trust you.”

 

Placated with the response, Minhyun turns to look back down at the stew that is bubbling on the stove, red and orange streaking together. Hot and steaming. He stirs it once, twice, satisfied, before turning the flame off.

 

Tomorrow, a new year begins.

 

A new start, a new life.

 

Minhyun just hopes this time, his prayers are heard.

 

(You are almost everything.)

 

* * *

 

**Thank You (Evening by Evening) - March**

_It’s such a picturesque view / If we turn on a song that matches / Thank you for teaching me / How to give my heart_

 

The Han river sits strong and firm in the middle of the city. Jonghyun’s head is nestled next to Minhyun’s as they sprawl flat on the backs across the picnic blanket laid out on the grass verge with their bikes strewn next to them. There isn’t very much happening around them, perhaps the odd jogger or group of salarymen who walk past paying no attention. Everyone else is at home being fed and loved.

 

Minhyun didn’t have an inkling what hell felt like until the past few weeks. A prison both in mind and in body. But in the days gone, they’ve made peace with both the decision and the routine. Today is the first day they’re finally allowed to do whatever they want. He wished to be here. It is a rare spell for them to be able to lazily lie here like this and he wants to savor every second.

 

The air is light, but his body is still heavy. Why does it lately feel like with every step towards success, comes a bigger chain and shackle?

 

(Minhyun asks, is it worth it? every day.)

 

(He has to remind himself, yes, yes it is.)

 

“What is home to you?” The question pops out of Minhyun’s mouth without warning. An innate curiosity stirs. He almost feels queasy.

 

Jonghyun doesn’t answer him immediately, and Minhyun is used to the silence that stretches in the empty spaces. He waits.

 

Jonghyun’s voice is melancholic and pensive when he finally responds, “Home is what you want it to be. No matter what happens, even if we take different paths, or even if our views are different, I believe our skies are the same. I look at the stars, and I think of home.”

 

Minhyun shivers in the cool spring breeze.

 

-

 

“Thank you,” Minhyun says as he sits up to stretch his stiff limbs. They’ve been lying there for the last hour, just letting the minutes of the world slip easily through their fingers.

 

Eyes still closed, Jonghyun makes a questioning noise, “Mhm, what for?”

 

Minhyun has so much he wants to confess to Jonghyun, but somehow words never convey the complete full truth so for today, all he says is, “Thank you for everything.”

 

_Thank you, Thank you, Thank you._

 

Jonghyun says nothing again. He only smiles in reply, an unconditional smile that comes with no strings attached. All of the years that Minhyun has known Jonghyun, he has never asked for anything, just given and given and given.

 

The atmosphere makes Minhyun feel unseasonably warm as he carves never ending circles on Jonghyun’s arm.

 

(I love you.)

 

* * *

 

 

**Look (A Starlight Night) - June**

_I believe that we are connected / Whenever, wherever / When you close your eyes, I’ll be your firefly_

 

Having escaped from the day’s particularly grueling activities, the finality of the night makes Minhyun more anxious than normal. The pair of them walk catching their breaths along the silent backstreets of their neighborhood; hand in hand, fingers intertwined. The invisible clock ticks onwards, and they know they don’t have much time.

 

The weight has become heavier, and Minhyun feels like he can’t keep up. Like he’s almost drowning. The deep blue ocean an enveloping black around him, pulling him in deeper. Recently, they have been the busiest they’ve ever been lately. He feels a form of gratitude but at the same time he can feel the burdens crawl all over his skin.

 

Inhale.

 

Exhale.

 

Just one breath, he tells himself that’s all he needs. He won’t ask for more. Not yet.

 

The skies are inky above them, a color caught between midnight and a shade of the darkest storm. The stars are dim and hidden amidst the city lights, but if Minhyun squints, he swears he can almost see the streaks of stardust trailing across. The breeze lies warm on his face as he shakes his fringe out of his eyes. The back of his neck is sticky.

 

They walk and walk and walk.

 

Their final stop after circling around several times is the nearby park back where they started. Where they have spent countless hours previously, whiling away the empty days, hoping to fill it with youthful goals and infinite dreams. It is their special place that is nothing, and everything at the same time. Minhyun can almost see the promise of the future in his line of sight. But why does it continue to still feel so far away? The thick hurdles, an ever present onus on his mind. He won, but somehow victory has never tasted so bitter in his bones.

 

Minhyun goes to sit on the left swing, feet dragging against the bark as he moves back and forth, back and forth. Jonghyun is doing the same beside him. After a short while, he slows down to a still, motioning Jonghyun to follow him. Minhyun reaches his hand across the gap, tracing the other’s palm. Although right now they are next to each other, tomorrow they will be worlds apart.

 

Neither want to speak, not wanting to fracture a moment so intimate and delicate. When will they have this again? Minhyun knows it is unlikely to be soon. The silence that continues is both consuming and comforting. Something that he knows well and is secure in. But as all things are in life, the silence is meant to be broken, and Minhyun’s heart wants to break as well.

 

He feels the weaving of their fingers together as Jonghyun squeezes his hand.

 

“You’ve been too quiet lately. What’s on your mind?” Jonghyun’s voice, a soothing sound in the quiet. It is solace, it is home to him.

 

“I’m—,” Minhyun begins with a hoarse whisper, "—afraid," the confession burning the tip of his tongue.

 

“Why?” One simply worded reply, and Minhyun chokes on fire.

 

He hesitates again before his voice comes out in a strained answer, “I just wish you were coming with me.” His words are tense as his grip on Jonghyun’s hand tightens, a coil of tension pulling on his spine.

 

Jonghyun just blinks back at him, once, twice.

 

“Well so do I, but hey, it is what it is—,” Jonghyun finally murmurs as he stands up, pulling Minhyun towards him, “—and someone needs to hold down the fort.” He moves closer in the dark, nuzzles along Minhyun’s neck and breathes. His words are hot against the skin when he continues, “Just remember, I am so proud of you and no matter what, the stars will always be there even if you can’t see them.”

 

_I will be with you even if you think I’m not._

 

The unsaid words hover in the air like a quiet promise that Minhyun desperately wishes was tangible, yearning to catch with his fingers so he can hold it close to him.

 

He is caught in a tangle, pulled in one direction and to the other. Guilt is the biggest trap that swamps him and he doesn’t know what to do, or how to feel. The problem with farfetched dreams is the way it interlaces much too closely with fears, and every day he takes a step forward, he feels like he’s sinking, so scared of the future.

 

But for now, all he does know is that he wants to be here in this very moment. Tomorrow is another day that he’ll allow to engulf him in just that, tomorrow.

 

The warmth in Minhyun’s heart unfurls like a bloom as his lips meet Jonghyun’s.

 

The tide rises, the tide falls.

 

(Synonym of You: Home)

 

(Always.)

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> a bit disjointed because i purposefully made the plot semi-vague since i didn’t want too many other details to detract from the atmosphere of the story. i hope it was still fairly easy to follow along, this fic was a bit of an indulgence to me. also hope you take what you will from reading, and that you found some comfort in it ♡


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